Need sex. Gaining weight.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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