just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
