Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
