I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
