ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
