you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
