You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
