how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
should my penis look like a turkey
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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