I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I can't put those talents on a resume
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
