Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Randomize