All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize