He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize