i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Randomize
