my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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