If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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