I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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