Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
