Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
