I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
