i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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