OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
