Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
