I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
