Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
