Can i not drive my cunt home
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
