News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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