Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
