textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
