I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
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