brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
