So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize