I want you more than these girls want KFC
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Randomize
