I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You pole danced in your parka.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
