I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
