wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
