You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
