I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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