He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
