and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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