so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
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