if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Randomize
