Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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