So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Im part way to drunk.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
