I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Randomize
