Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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