y did u give ur computer a hand job?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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