how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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