He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
