i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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