Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
