you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
