Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
