Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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