Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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