My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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