YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
