I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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