I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
